


To Learn Her

by ahoy_cinderella



Category: Holby City
Genre: AU, F/F, related to Elinor's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 08:01:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16364003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahoy_cinderella/pseuds/ahoy_cinderella
Summary: [AU] - After Bernie said "no parent should outlive their child, it's not right" I got this idea in my head and it wouldn't leave.What if Bernie knew more about what Serena was going through than she let on? What if there was another reason she chose work over her family so many times?[set not long after Elinor's death.]





	To Learn Her

**Author's Note:**

> _hey everyone! I finally got myself an Ao3 account and I've read so so many amazing berena fics and I thought maybe I'd post my own so here's me taking the leap._   
>  _this is the only berena fic I've written so far but I've got so many ideas and depending on the response to this I'll probably write them out._
> 
> _please let me know what you think!_
> 
> _you can follow me on twitter if you fancy: @ahoycinderella_
> 
> _thanks!_

The entire house felt silent. As they slowly made their way up to the bedroom, she couldn’t even hear the sound of the old wooden stairs creaking beneath their tired feet.

She had only ever experienced the same deafening silence once before in her life; it was during her first tour. Out in the unbearable desert heat, with beads of sweat rolling down her neck under the heavy camouflage uniform. The base she and her team were stationed at had been attacked; there was no warning signs, no time to prepare. The dust settled around them in patchy clouds as they lay face down in the dirt hoping and praying that no one in their team had been injured, she had waited for what seemed like hours, trying to steady her breathing and listen for cries of any injured but nothing came, there was nothing but silence. 

Bernie had been used to the silence after that, the quietness that came after an attack, she had lived with it for most of her adult life, but this was different. This was her having to watch the woman she loved going through pain she couldn’t even imagine. 

She knew her and Serena were at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, she was more closed off and kept her emotions locked in her heart, away from the maddening crowds. Serena on the other hand was an open book, even without words you could tell her emotions, it was all in her eyes. Happy or heart-broken you could tell just by her eyes. 

Her fingers raked through her messy blonde strands as she followed the exhausted brunette into - what had become over time - ‘their’ bedroom. They were yet to officially move in together but Bernie had been there almost every night since they had gotten together. 

“Shall I make you some tea or something?” Bernie’s voice was quiet, almost afraid that she would frighten her girlfriend if she spoke to loud.

Serena just shook her head and sat on the edge of the bed. It had been twelve days since the machines that were keeping Elinor alive had been switched off, since Bernie had watched her girlfriend’s heart shatter as her only child’s stopped beating. She had come home from a long and frustrating first shift back less than an hour ago to find Serena sat on the kitchen floor with her back against the cabinet, wine glass in hand, staring off into space. 

The blonde made her way into the bathroom and quickly rushed through her night routine of removing what little make up she wore from her face, brushing her teeth and changing into a baggy t-shirt and pyjama shorts. She switched off the light for en-suite and moved over to the bedroom window, closing the window into the latch, and drawing the heavy dark curtains closed. 

She kneeled on the floor in front of Serena and gently rubbed from her calf to her knee, hoping to bring her even a miniscule of comfort. 

“Serena, do you want to go get ready for bed?” The brunette nodded but still sat stoic, her eyes glazed over. 

Bernie moved from the floor and sat on the bed beside her, she pressed a gentle kiss to her girlfriends shoulder. “What can I do for you?” She whispered, “Is there anything I can do?”

Serena stood from the bed without a word and made her way into the en-suite bathroom. Bernie sighed and stood up, pulling the bedcovers back ready for them to just slide into bed, she decided to make them both some tea even though Serena had already declined the offer, she thought she might as well do what most British people do in a crisis; make tea. 

-/-

By the time she had made her way back upstairs, Serena was already in bed sitting with her back against the headboard, her head titled back against the wall behind her with her eyes closed.

Bernie carefully placed both the steaming mugs on the bedside table and sat on top of the covers by Serena’s thighs, she leaned her weight over slightly as Serena opened her eyes and tipped her head forward again to make eye contact with the blonde in front of her.

“You’ll be okay, you know?” Bernie told her, taking one of her hands and softly lacing their fingers together. “It might not feel like it but I promise you will.”

The look she received made her heart clench, as if Serena had reached into her chest and grabbed her heart in her fist. 

“You have no idea what I’m going through” Serena whispered, her words laced with a rage that Bernie was sure she’d never heard before.

“Serena…”

“Don’t. Don’t even…” She roughly pulled her hand away from Bernie’s and brushed her fingers through her hair “Just don’t say anything.” 

Bernie licked her lips and nodded “Okay, okay…” She turned away from Serena for a moment before looking back, the exhaustion and pain evident on her face. 

“Do you want me to leave you alone for a while?” Tears gathered in Serena’s eyes at her girlfriends offer. All she wanted was to be alone, and yet to never be alone again.

Bernie could read the signs and stood from the bed “I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave you here. I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

Serena’s voice crumbled as tears pricked her eyes “Bernie, I’m sorry…”

“Listen to me, Serena Campbell, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Bernie insisted, She sat back on the bed and grabbed Serena’s arms “You have nothing to apologise for. I completely understand, you need time on your own and there is not one thing wrong with that.”

Bernie brushed her fingers over Serena’s cheeks, wiping away the few tears that had fallen “I will never leave you.” She insisted, “But right now, I think you need some time to yourself and I am more than okay with giving you that time. I’m not leaving, I will only be downstairs.”

The brunette nodded through her tears, “Thank you”

Bernie leaned in and pressed her lips to Serena’s “Try and get some sleep”

-/-

Bernie had never really been a heavy sleeper; even in her teenage years she would usually wake with the stream of morning light breaking through the curtains. Her military days were no different, constantly being woken to the sound of alarms, shouting or gunfire she learned to sleep with one eye open as it were. 

She didn’t know how long it had been since she had collapsed – exhausted – on the couch. She couldn’t even remember how long it had been since she had had more than a couple of hours sleep, for the last week and a half it had been a constant stream of tears, nightmares and holding each other tight in the dead of night.

She awoke when she heard the creak of the stairs, she was unsure of exactly who it was, either Jason coming to complain about his stitches itching again, making him unable to find comfort in sleep. Or Serena, but the reasons behind her appearance were unknown; it wouldn’t be the first time since Elinor’s death that she had paced the floors all night.

It wasn’t until the living room door was pushed open that Bernie knew exactly who it was, she kept her eyes closed, feigning sleep, unsure if her partner wanted to talk or just wanted to be near someone. 

The couch dipped slightly as Serena sat down, perched carefully on the edge against Bernie’s knees. She sighed quietly and whispered, “I’m sorry” into the darkness.

She lay in silence for a few minutes, mulling over the idea in her head of admitting of the tragedy she hadn’t spoken of for many years, the ultimate reason as to why she was closed off, why she didn’t want to care about anyone or anything ever again. She knew she needed to, even thought the last thing she wanted was to turn this heart-breaking situation into something that was all about her, this was not her grief, this was Serena’s. 

She knew that she should be honest if not for herself then for Serena, she needed to know that eventually over time she would find a way through the darkness, that she would find comfort somehow. Bernie wished she could admit to anything other than what she was about to say but if they were to be together forever then eventually Serena would find out the truth.

She felt Serena’s fingers softly against her own, her mouth went dry as she – with her eyes still closed – gently linked their fingers together in silence, letting her girlfriend know she was aware of her presence. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you” Serena’s voice floated through the darkness.

“I lost a child once”

She hadn’t meant to say it, she had thought about saying it, she thought if Serena knew she had been through something similar then she would know that it was possible to move forward but she hadn’t meant to actually say the words out loud. 

“What?”

Bernie sat up in the darkness, crossed her legs beneath the blankets and kept her gaze trained on their linked hands.

“I lost a baby...” The blonde whispered, “Well, she wasn’t a baby…yeah she was, she was my baby”

“Bernie…” Serena whispered, her voice conveying shock and confusion. She squeezed Bernie’s hand tight, forcing the blonde to look her in the eyes. Despite the darkness she could still make out the glint in her girlfriends eyes, the shine of unshed tears.

“Marcus and I…we had a third child.” Bernie confessed, “After Charlotte I knew I didn’t want anymore kids, I wasn’t even sure I wanted them in the first place but I knew Marcus did and somehow we ended up with two” She let out a slight chuckle.

“I don’t even know how but I ended up pregnant again, Marcus was ecstatic, I was in shock and Cameron said if it was another sister then he was moving out…he was eight” Bernie grinned as Serena sniggered, it was the first time she had even a hint of a smile since the accident.

“It was a girl. We called her Alice. I always loved the name, originally I wanted Charlotte to be Alice but Marcus insisted on naming her after his grandmother so we went with that, plus he liked that both kids had the same first initial which I never understood but anyway…” She knew she was getting off point but she hadn’t spoken about Alice for years, it hurt her heart to speak of the little girl who barely lived yet still meant the world to her.

-/-

“What happened?” Serena asked, keeping her hand firmly gripped with Bernie’s.

“I eventually came around to the idea of a third child, it took a while, I knew my career would be put on hold yet again but I was okay with it.” Bernie took a deep breath, still felt the guilt deep in her bones after all this time.

“I went into labour at thirty weeks” Serena sighed, she knew the chances of survival for a baby born premature, she had seen many babies born too early in her career, some made it, some didn’t.

“I knew it was my fault, I was so against the idea of having a third baby when I found out I was pregnant. I thought about termination but id never go through with it. It was as if she knew I went through a period of not wanting her at all.” The guilt drowned her as she admitted the truth.

“Obviously she was under developed, her heart stopped a few times in the first week or so but eventually she was strong enough and came home, I never thought she’d survive. I mean I’ve seen premature babies, plenty of them but it’s so very different when it’s your own. Anyway, she was fine for a while, a little slow on the developmental side but we knew she would be, but we still loved her so much. Charlotte was besotted with her from the moment we brought her home, it was as if one of her dolls had come to life, she was always wanting to help me with her” Bernie smiled at the memories of her tiny five-year-old, the same messy style hair as her own except her dad’s colour, climbing on the bed beside her insisting on feeding her baby sister, sitting on the floor with her as she helped give her a bath.

“She had her first seizure at about ten months…” Bernie felt the first tear fall and quickly swiped it away. Her left hand was now gripped between both of Serena’s.

“She was eventually diagnosed with epilepsy but she was fine, the occasional seizure now and then but overall she was a happy, healthy little girl.” Bernie smiled at Serena; although it was dark, there was a hint of light from the hallway and Serena smiled back at the blonde in front of her, silently encouraging her to continue.

“She looked like me, Charlie does to some extent but she has her fathers colouring where as Ali was all me” She chuckled “Even down to her stubbornness”

Both she and Serena let out a quite breathy laugh, both knowing exactly just how stubborn the blonde could be. 

“She had my blonde hair, my lips, my cheekbones. When she first started trying to walk, whenever we would try and hold her up she would slap our hands away, insistent on doing it herself.”

“It felt different with Ali, than with Cam and Charlotte. I don’t know why, maybe because I almost lost her, I don’t know. Everything was different, I wasn’t so worried about going back to work, I just wanted to sit and watch my baby girl grow…Sorry, I’m rambling” She sighed with a smile.

“It’s okay…” Serena smiled back and squeezed her hand.

“She was three when she died.” Bernie’s voice cracked, she took a deep breath, ragged breath and Serena - sensing her about to break - grabbed her girlfriend’s wrists and held her tight, despite feeling the blonde’s urge to pull away.

“I was in town, I had a meeting with my senior officer and Marcus called on the way to the hospital, she’d had a seizure in the garden and hit her head on the steps by the back door. Charlotte screamed and Marcus ran out…there was blood and she…”

“Bernie…”

“You said I don’t know what you’re going through, Serena but I do.” Tears fell from her eyes “I get it. I might not have had Ali for as long as you had Elinor but I still loved her, I still loved her more than anything…”

“Bernie, I’m so sorry…” Serena let her own tears fall as she grabbed Bernie by the shoulders and pulled her in for a hug so tight they both thought their ribs were about to break.

“I knew she wouldn’t make it. I could feel it in my bones, the whole way to the hospital I just knew…I got there and she was in surgery, bleed in the brain, I didn’t think id get to say goodbye but she pulled through the surgery. She even woke up and asked for me.” Bernie wiped her tears away but couldn’t control her breathing.

“I got to say goodbye, Marcus said it was like she was waiting for me, so I could see her one last time…” Bernie felt her heart plummet to the floor as Serena let out a sob beside her.

“I’m so sorry, Serena. I never should’ve said all this, you’re grieving and I’ve made this all about me, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“No, Bernie, I’m sorry” Serena placed her hands on either side of her girlfriend’s face “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, I am so sorry you lost your baby girl” Bernie sobbed openly at the mention of her ‘baby girl’ “But thank you for telling me.”

“I haven’t spoken about her for years, even Cam and Charlotte don’t mention her, I went straight back to work, I went on tour after tour, I just didn’t know how to cope but I told you because you needed to know.” Bernie mimicked Serena’s position and placed her own hands on her shoulders, softly brushing her fingers through Serena’s short, dark hair. 

“You needed to know that as hard as it is, as much as you feel like you’ll never feel happiness again, I can promise you, you will. It might take a while, but you will learn to live with it, even if you don’t want to. I know you don’t think you will and that you don’t think you can go on but I promise you, love. You will survive.”

“I will survive” Serena whispered as she leaned forward and pressed her forehead to Bernie’s, lowering her hands to her girlfriend’s hips.

“You will.” Bernie pulled back and pressed a kiss her Serena’s forehead. “And I’ll be here every step of the way, if you want me to be.”

“Of course I do, Bernie…”

“I know, I know. I’m just saying, we all deal with grief differently. I went off to a war-zone, all Marcus wanted to do was talk about her and I couldn’t. I couldn’t even look at my kids without seeing her and it hurt my heart for so long, I lost my whole family when I lost Ali and it's taken over a decade but I’m just slowly getting them back now…”

“You have so many people who love you Serena, I know it feels like its you against the world but it isn’t. Jason, that boy worships the ground you walk on, Fletch, the kids, Morven, Raf, Hassen, Ric, the whole team…me…”

Serena locked her gaze with Bernie’s, they knew how they both felt but the words had never really been said out loud.

“We are all here for you, whenever you need us. Me especially…” She smiled.

“I love you too, Bernie”

Despite their tears and hearts filled with grief, they gave each other a small smile and leaned closer, their lips coming together in a soft kiss that said everything they both needed to hear but didn’t need to say; I love you, I need you, I’m here for you, _always._


End file.
